I am coming off a week of FIT training and I was left in the experience of joy and sadness, relief and grief, clarity and confusion. It was a feeling that I could not pinpoint and something I had not felt in a very long time. I tried to make sense of it and then there were moments when I let it go. There were times when I was sitting in meditation or holding a pose in practice where I felt on top of the world and in an instant I was angry and extremely upset. I came home from this week quiet, unsure and very curious. I also came home very sick, something I blamed on food poison and I now wonder if it was nothing more than a physical reaction, a purging from the breakup that was happening.
We spent the week being intentional and taking The Self or I out of what we were up to. This occurred on a whole new level this week and there was one night where I just sat and cried as I knew that it was not for me, I was not good enough to do this, I was not strong enough and I certainly was not selfless enough. In the four years of teaching Baptiste Yoga I thought "I cannot do this and now what." I stayed with this feeling throughout the week, sat in it, let it pass, just to have it come up again. I complained, I cried, I vomited, and then I cried some more. It was not until this morning, in the middle of teaching, that it occurred to me that I was breaking up with myself. In that moment all the emotions and physical reactions made sense. I was feeling grief and upset as I am leaving something that I have been attached to for a very long time, my identity. The "who I am."
All this week I was in reaction to not wanting to give up the part of me that would constantly say "but what about me!" That part shows up all the time. When I practice, when I teach, when I talk to my husband, when I take other people's classes - it is very selfish and constantly present. It does not want to be killed off or left behind. I am very attached to it - so I grieve for it as I slowly breakup with myself.
It is clear to me now, that it is our attachment to ourselves that leads to our suffering and problems. It is the insertion of the self into everything that is happening in the world that creates our point of view which leads to ME. It is clear and I do not like it. I fight and resist this idea, I do not want to let go.
There is endless possibility and joy in detachment - I have seen it and felt it and though, it will be a process, a moment to moment phenomenon, that will result in a giving up of The Self so that I can truly be up to something bigger, and I am struggling. I must do the work. I must be intentional. I must not get lost in thought. I must set my drishti and be for what I want to have happen. This morning I practiced alone and for the first time completed all of Journey Into Power, holding each pose the same amount of breaths. I did not take any poses out, I did not add any in. The self pulled at me to change it, but I just did it. While the practice is not about me, there is something in it for me, if I get out of my own way. Life can also be like this - just do the thing, not your way, just a way. Give up what you want or what you think is right, and just be or do.
This is the work I am in now. It will not require me to do anything, but to instead give up most of what I am currently doing and just be. In each moment I will have the choice to be intentional and then decide, will I be up to ME or will I be up to something bigger than me? That decision will change the course of every thought, action, and word I produce. I will get a result either way, but what that result looks like will solely depend on the answer to that question.