I say things that hurt other's feelings. I sit on the couch and binge watch TV. I eat the whole bag of chips. I tell myself that I am a failure. I have thought about quitting at least 25 times in the past week. I worry and do not sleep. I make assumptions. I have expectations, most of which I cannot even meet, so others most certainly cannot. I get angry. I get upset. I do not follow through on things and have to recommit. I feel sad. I judge. I want others to validate me.
These are only a few things that have come up over the past few days. Yes, I teach yoga, I facilitate leadership programs, I do the work and mentor others to do the same, I work hard and put in the time - AND I am not perfect. I am just like every other person in that I make mistakes, take things personally and say things I should not say. I react and I act out. Things get hard and I want to quit. I have feelings of hopelessness and helplessness.
What I know is that if I did not feel this way, if I did not have these reactions and experiences, I would be worthless to anyone else. It is only through shared experiences that we can relate to each other, that empathy and compassion can arise. Love is only available because we know hurt. Peace is only available because we can feel pain. My ability to speak about these things, from a place of understanding, only happens because I know it, deep down in my bones. It is in the truth that we are all alike, going through this together, that keeps me coming back to this practice.
So yes, all of these things occur for me and I am not perfect. And, I will stay in the practice and do the work because I am up to something bigger than these individual occurrences. I am committed to making a difference and to leading an impactful life. I will not quit and I will start again, over and over.