When I read this concept - it stopped me in my tracks, literally. I went back and read the same 3 pages twice more. Holy shit, this is exactly where I am. At what point in the process do we start to use all the work and knowledge, the "awareness" against ourselves? That is exactly what I am doing. I do not make it to class, "commit to recommit" or "start again" is what I say, but of course with a lot of guilt attached to it. Lose my cool and react, I simple say "I see what I am doing, here we go again, I know exactly where this is coming from," and of course I attach the "you should know better by now." When I just want to let it rip, I tell myself, you are not for that and you better hold it in - bad yogi for thinking those things!
I do all of this work, meditate, practice, journal, self-inquiry, go to programs and get coached and I am exactly where I want to be, in full awareness of me. And, completely neurotic about it! All I can think about is Be A Yes, Give it UP, Ready Now and sometimes I just want to say fuck it, I am a big fat NO! And then I came across the idea of heightened neurosis and realized I have just used all these wonderful tools against myself. I use them to beat myself up with. When I am preaching to myself give up the resistance to meditate and practice and be a yes, you are ready now, get up and just do it. I really should be saying, give up the idea of perfection, be a yes for forgiveness and compassion for myself, and do it right now. It is easy to coach myself into action, and at this point the tools are a crutch and excuse to justify my constant doing. Now the work is to shift my vision and use the tools to give myself a break, to discover compassion for myself. After all, not until I truly practice compassion and forgiveness for myself will I be able to practice it with others.