I have fondly labelled my default way of being as "the HUSTLE." You know, that way you get when you can see yourself talking, doing, running around like a crazy person, and yet you are not in control. You think you are, but the hustle itself is running the show. In reality, you have been sent to the bench and your inner critic (mine is named Kate) is directing your life and poorly I might add.
My critic's goal is to MAKE things happen. To work as hard as possible. To stay on the move. It looks like creating lots of spreadsheets, checking email every 1/2 hour, staying on social media all the time, double checking everything and everyone, and making up a bunch of work that actually does not produce any tangible results. She says I better say yes to everything, create more lists, compete harder, make sure everyone sees you, that you do not miss out on anything, don't let a single opportunity pass you by, especially the ones you really do not want to do. Do those now so that you can complain about them later! All the while, make sure you hide as much of yourself as you can. Do not show any feelings. Do not let anyone in, that should not be done. It would not look good if people knew you did not have your shit together.
When the critic is directing, the hustle is an excellent action-drama that you cannot get enough of. It is like a good drug. And it is full of what "should happen" vs what could happen. It leaves me feeling anxious, alone, dis-satisfied (it can never get enough), fearful, and even more out of control. It basically sucks.
What I have learned is that the only thing that can bring me out of the hustle is ME. That's right, we are completely responsible when we allow this to happen and we can only move away from it if we become present to that. We create our reality! We must become aware of what is going on. What has gotten us here. For me, it is the awareness that things have happened that I did not want to have happen. That is what I must give up. There is nothing that can be done and I can choose to live in the events of the past or not. Now here is the tricky part, and the most important part, you must have faith and trust for this to happen. Trust that things will work out. Trust that in reality these small blimps in your plans mean nothing, that they were supposed to happen. And then faith that what needs to happen is not what you think should happen. If you believe this, then you can sit back, get present and allow it all to unfold.
Consider that the very things that we are trying to control, resist or change are the very things that must happen now in order to get us to the bigger picture of what we want. That we will fall (sometimes hard) where we need to be and we will arrive where we want to be; it just will never look like we think it should look.