I do not blog as much as I would like, mostly because I wait until I am really clear on something and I have something "good" to say. I have been very quiet the past few days because I feel like I have nothing good to say, only sad things. I have been taught to not "shit on the space" and what I now know is that sharing only the happy moments, only the well spoken words or only the things I have clarity around allow me to share half of myself. And that is not what I am committed to. That is not what I am about. But fear has been getting in the way of the other half of me. That ends now.
When I look at my blogs and I look at my journals, there is a disconnect. Now this blog will be my journal. Even as I type this a voice says, "don't do this", "wait and think about this before doing it", "how will you face people if they know everything". But I will not stop, I will not put it aside and think on it. I will do it. Today, I am in grief and I want to run, in fact I am running. I was planning to teach my Sunday morning class (I have not been in the studio in 5 days) and just like that I found a sub. I told myself and them I was not ready to be in front of people. Reality, ......I am hiding. I am running. When bad things happen, when death happens I want to fix. What I do not want is to receive help, sympathy, compassion. I do not want to talk about it. I do not want to hear people say "I am sorry." I do not want the hugs. That comes with too much feeling and I believe I am better off if I do not receive all of that.
So, I will not be teaching but what I am doing is being honest about it. With myself and with everyone else. Day 1 of honesty and complete transparency. Day 1 of freedom.